I have fallen down a rabbit hole

of doubt and despondency,

sorrow and self-pity,

and exhaustion…

It happened slowly

and caught me unaware.

At first, I tripped over recent sorrows

of circumstances beyond my control…

I stumbled over

when I forgot my own strength

to bear the weight of my aloneness…

I fell,

as I began digging up the past,

to examine where I had buried lost opportunities…

I opened old wounds

and reminisced over old loves…

counted up broken promises,

dashed hopes and unfulfilled expectations…

I unglued the pieces of my broken heart

inspecting it for evidence of harm done to me.

Little by little

I fell in deeper…

feeling unloved and unwanted…

struggling to find my relevance

in this present time.

I can now see a light above me

from the hole I am in

pointing the way out.

But I will rest awhile in this darkness…

I know this place

I have been here before.

I will familiarise myself with the dark

so that when I open my eyes

I will see through the darkness.

I will gather my energy to heal.

I will begin my climb out of this rabbit hole.

I will say goodbye and bid a blessing to

old wounds, old loves…

I will count the lessons learned and blessings received

instead of broken promises and lost dreams…

I will re-glue the broken pieces of my heart

with Love,

with Compassion,

with Acceptance…

I will practice Forgiveness…

Remembering I am loved, and I am enough.

Believing that all is well and will be well…

And that this too shall pass.

I will ask for the Grace to change what I need to change.

I will grab the rope of Hope to aid me.

I will surface again out of this rabbit hole…

a changed me…

better off for the time I spent in the darkness,

for the lessons learned and the blessings received

from being in the rabbit hole.

The last few weeks

It seems that I have been

Holding my breath…

Suspended by a thin thread…

Clouded with uncertainty…

Stuck in a surreal landscape…

Fear is the language

In the town

It spreads like gossip

Everywhere

Fear – in empty supermarket shelves

Fear – in the theft of important hospital masks

Fear – in the queues waiting to buy guns…

When in reality

We all have enough…

We would

If we shared what we have.

Even if we don’t have spare money to share –

We can share our time, our energy, our compassion…

We can share our talents, our gifts…

To ease the hunger of Spirit…

The hunger of Heart…

Or even real empty stomach hunger..

I don’t want to stay suspended

I don’t want to stay paralyzed by fear

I don’t want to stay holding my breath

This is the time

I must rise out of my stuckness…

Rise out of fear…

To acquire less and to give more…

To move inward

To discover the completeness of who I am

The completeness of who we are…

We are gifts to each other.

We are enough as we are.

We refuse to be defined

by the market world of Success…

Success – the crown of the entitled few

Success – that comes at a cost

To our environment…

To our indigenous cultures…

To our own communities…

To our own families…

And our own creative selves.

We desire for all to be truly Wealthy  –

Wealth of well-being

Wealth of deep satisfaction in life

Wealth of  our inner creative life.

Let us refuse to hold our breath any longer

Let us remember that we are enough

Let us remember that we have enough to share

The time is now to choose

The Way of Love not Fear

Let us breathe out a new way of being in the world

And stop holding our breath.

Do not waste precious moments

Waiting for the future ‘big’ thing

That moment,

That time,

That person… or that situation

which will save you…

or throw you a lifeline…

or rescue you from your oblivion… 

your invisibility…

That time or the situation 

that you are waiting for

where you show the world who you are…

where you share your gifts with the larger world…

Or the person

who will finally see you

and give you a sheltering space

that will bring you peace…

that will bring you the happiness that you long for…

that will heal your heart-break…

No, do not waste precious moments

waiting…

for that time, that person, that situation

who may or may not come…

Who can tell?

Instead, start with the present moment…

the present time…

the people with who you share your life now.

Start small.

Start right where you are

and do the small things

with great love…

Be in the present moment now

with great love.

That is all.

Joy is finding me!

At last, my eyes are open!

My heart is open!

Little moments

of quiet Joy

dripping in

the hours of everydayness.

The perfectly formed rose

which greets my morning inspection –

rising from a once deformed bush

eaten by possums…

That piece of art

that stirs

with a recognition

of something that has no words

but speaks soul to soul…

The vibrating note

resonating in my chest

as I lean into my guitar –

grateful for the comfort

it has brought me

especially when I am sad.

The clean, rearranged room –

making something more beautiful

where once there was mess…

The lighted, scented candle

that anoints my home

with its gentle fragrance…

The coloured feather on my path…

reminding me that I too can fly.

All this and more…

Little things of delight…

I am so grateful for these little blessings.

I used to be too frightened

to claim my Joy.

I equated heart-break with joy.

I thought that joy and grief

walked hand in hand –

as that had been my story…

But now I know

that they are sisters

on the same path.

I will not squander

my moments of joy

(as I will not squander

my moments of grief).

All is making me!

I am stronger

for those moments

that have blessed me…

Joy is finding me!

And I am honoured

that she visits me –

I am deeply grateful

for these little moments

of quiet joy.

For too long

I have settled

for the crumbs of love

to fall from the table…

where I would hungrily

scoop them up into my mouth.

I was a beggar for Love.

I searched always,

looking for signs…

in small corners,

in darkened alleys…

Looking for signs

pointing to a feast.

When I got there

there was no place for me

at the table…

So I sat at the feet

of those who feasted

waiting for

crumbs to fall.

I will no longer

beg for Love…

I will no longer

taste crumbs…

I want a feast.

I am deserving of a feast!

I want a lavish banquet,

Abundant with

Generosity,

Kindness,

Compassion,

Passion,

Tenderness,

Thoughtfulness…

I want to drink deeply

from the sweetness of Life,

and the rich wine of Love

with all its complexity and depth.

I want to sit

with my beloved

at the head of the table.

I will no longer be

a beggar for Love.

I will wait

for my time

of Feast.

Choose yourself.

Choose yourself and do not rely on others to choose you.

Choose yourself,

And in doing so, you place value on yourself.

You do not have to wait on others

To confer value upon you.

 

Waiting on others to choose you,

To say you are valuable to them,

Disempowers you.

It makes you weak, anxious,

Prone to jealousy and insecurity.

 

In choosing yourself,

You give yourself

Power to bring about your own healing.

It gives you strength

To cut the ties that bind you

To feelings of worthlessness,

And to things that diminish you.

 

If you love someone or something –

Choose it,

Choose them

Whole-heartedly!

This choosing has to be ‘free’ –

Without guilt,

Without fear,

Without any tendril of coercion or manipulation.

Otherwise, it is not a choice,

But co-dependence.

 

To choose wisely

Is to say ‘Yes’ with an open heart,

And to embrace your choice

Whole-heartedly.